New World

This world is falling down around me
And I can’t tell what’s water
And what’s just tears.
Why should I be the one who’s sad and angry?
Why do I have to be the one who’s lonely and scared?
I miss the days when I was little, when you
Could wrap me in your arms and numb my deepest fears.
Now I see I was a fool for thinking I could count on you.
I was a fool for honestly believing that you cared.
I don’t want this anymore. Not this pain and not this strife.
Because it hurts so much, and you don’t even know,
Like a knife wound to my heart.
I didn’t ask for this.
Such a long journey for so little, just to find that in the end
You weren’t worth it.
So take your imaginary curse and shove it up your ass.
Forget me.
Forget that I exist, so that I can forget that you exist.

If I could have it my way, you would have walked away years ago.
Forever.
You would have vanished into the sun,
Disintegrated into the sand.
Then I wouldn’t have to feel this bite of apathy.
I wouldn’t have to go through this, your leaving,
Over and over and over.
I don’t want to follow you all over, just to see if you’re going to start to care.
And I shouldn’t have to be the one
Who sits and cries alone, who wonders what it’s like
To be happy.
To be truly happy.
All because of you.
If only I had been born as someone else,
Then I wouldn’t know you, and you wouldn’t be able to hurt me.
So you can go away, and you can take your new life,
Go to your new world and leave me in the old.
And you can do whatever you want there, and let my face fade away.
And I can walk away into this city, and stand under the iron
and the sun
And see if it devours me.
See if it takes my blood.
And then I can watch you drift away, like a photograph in time,
And I can say I knew my father once, and that he left.
Then I’ll just be a statistic, just another homeless waif,
And everyone will pity me, and throw it in your face.
Then some day I won’t need you anymore, and the wound will scar,
And the pain will fall away.
Then I’ll be stronger still—stronger than you could ever be.
And who will I have to thank for that?
Not you—but Me.

But…

But I did want you so bad.
I did want you beside me amidst the pain and the darkness,
When the only sound I heard was screaming in the night,
When the fear was thick as blood,
And the helplessness was a cloud of fog,
That I could nearly cut into with a knife.
So tangible, so palpable, like a slash across my heart,
Like the tears on my cheeks.
I close my eyes and think ‘If only you had been there.’
And even now I think, ‘If only you could be there.’
All I ever wanted was just to be near you, if only for a moment,
If only to smell you and hear your voice, and pretend that I was safe.
Pretend you could protect me.
I just wanted you in my life,
Now I’m just scared you’ll walk away and never come back,
You’ll go to your new world with your new woman,
And you’ll forget that I ever existed.

Sometimes
I have flashbacks, like in a movie or a dream.
I see flashes of you: running beside the car, making promises you can’t keep,
Walking out of the house, with that suitcase in your hand,
Crying.
I see you at my graduation. I see you at my birthday.
I feel your hand on my shoulder as I sit at grandma’s funeral.
And I wonder ‘Where did all that go?’
Why is there so much pain between you and I?

I am not my mother. Everything she said, everything she did,
However deep she sank her claws in,
Whatever black thoughts she provoked in you
They’re not mine. That’s not me.
I love you. I love you with all my heart.

You can’t keep me in the dark like this:
I’m done.
I’m shaking off your shackles, now,
I’m walking to the sun.
And you’re going to the new world.And I am just the old.
You’ll forget about me, somewhere between mountains and sky,
I’ll just be someone that you knew once.
And you’ll just be the biggest scar on my heart.
So walk into the new world. Take your woman. Take your dog.
Kiss me goodbye, leave me without a dime.
I don’t need you anymore:
And I’ll take down your picture, and I’ll forget your voice.
I’ll call you up some Christmas, or your birthday.
By then this pain will be numb,
I hope,
And you’ll be
The most painful thing in my past.